Better This Way
by comesinwaves
Summary: TV VERSE D/S - "It's been three years, three years of silence and still sometimes I find I can't get you off my mind" - A letter and a hasty reply was all it took, and their lives were thrown back together once again...


**A/N: This is based loosely on the song PS I'm Still Not Over You by Rihanna. I love that song so much and I always wanted to do a fic based around it et…voila!**

'S, there's mail!' her roommate's voice floated through the thin walls of their dorm. Serena looked up from her textbook.

That was odd. It was rare for her to get _real _mail. Her mother kept in constant contact by emails, her brother was always on IM and Blair strictly called once a week from Oxford. Mail was a rare thing.

Furthermore it was rarer, because it was the middle of the month. The Internet bill had just been paid and her phone bill wasn't due for another two weeks. Who the hell would be sending her mail?

'Here,'

Their bedroom door opened and her brunette roommate stepped into the room. She was holding a single envelope her hand.

'I thought I'd bring it into you,'

Serena smiled kindly at her and accepted the envelope, 'Thanks Carls,'

The brunette nodded, blushing beneath her freckles and slunk away to her bed.

Serena rolled over onto her stomach, studying the envelope. It was a plain, white piece of stationary, the cheap kind that were found at Staple's. This was certainly no classy soiree invitation.

On the front, in sloppy lettering, was scrawled "_Miss Serena Van Der Woodsen" _in a fading black biro. Another pen, another person, had written her current address in a black fountain pen. Her mother.

Serena frowned and flipped the envelope open. She ran her nail under the seal to tug it open. A folded square of stapled papers fell out onto her bed. Curious, Serena unfolded it, to find the previous scrawl covering the page.

_Dear Serena,_

Serena's eyes skittered down to the bottom of the page. Nowadays, very few people still called her Serena. Her reputation had followed her all the way to Brown, and almost everyone, except for her family and her professors still called her S. At first she'd despised it, and tried the best she could to rectify it. Eventually, she succumbed, knowing that one day, when she got a real job, it would have to go away.

But this letter, handwritten, to _Serena._

Her eyes landed on the signature, and her heart leapt. It made sense. If course it made sense.

_Let me just start by saying, I'm not sure why I'm writing to you at all. It's been three years since graduation and I haven't heard a single word from you. Not that I can blame you, being casual friends with an ex-boyfriend is not something that occurs very often._

_But…it's been three years, three years of silence and still sometimes I find I can't get you off my mind._

_Sometimes I find myself thinking about you, and I wonder where you are now. I hear you're at Brown like you always planned. What are you studying?_

_I saw Eric yesterday in the cafeteria. God, I still can't believe that he and Jenny are in college now too._

_So how are you? There's constantly rumours circulating the campus, about you and Blair and everyone. I guess not even college, and being on opposite sides of the country can halt the almighty Gossip Girl._

_I think seeing Eric yesterday made something inside me snap. I saw him, and he reminded me of so much that…I just needed to talk to you._

_In true honesty I don't know what I expect from this letter. I certainly don't expect a reply. After everything that happened between us, I wouldn't reply._

_But I hope you do. I know there's a lot between us, but, I still wonder what you're up to._

_Regards,_

_Dan Humphrey._

Serena stared at the scrappy page. Dan Humphrey. After all these years that she spent meticulously building the walls that he'd broken down. After all this time, out of the blue, he wrote.

Her first instinct was to snatch a pen off her desk and rip a page out of her notebook. She had so many questions to ask him. How was he? Did he have a girlfriend? Was he happy?

Her hand began to crawl for a pen. She had to…

Her eyes flickered back down to his signature. Dan Humphrey.

Almost four years ago he had shattered her heart. She wasn't the girl he thought she was. She was an unworthy candidate because she had been born into a high society family. It was never her choice.

He'd let her step off that elevator and with that he'd broken her heart into tiny pieces that, for months, she thought she'd never repair. He'd been the first…and last boy to break her heart. Ever since, she'd struggled to let men back into her life as easily as she had Dan Humphrey. He'd destroyed her.

She couldn't allow herself to jump back into that.

Carefully, she folded the thin pieces of paper up, and slid them back into the envelope. She couldn't do this. Not today. Not ever.

Serena pushed herself off the bed, walking over to her desk. Her hand hovered the envelope above the trash can. It was better this way.

Her hand twitched, pulling away from the trash can's gaping mouth. Instead, she pinned it to the corkboard above her computer.

So she may have kept the letter but it certainly did not mean she would reply.

* * *

'Hey, who was that letter from?'

It was such a casual remark but it had Serena's head jolting upright in a second, her mind ripped away from her cereal.

She met her roommates, innocently, earnestly curious brown eyes, and she softened.

'Uh, what letter?' Serena asked casually, shrugging offhandedly.

'The one that came in the mail that other day…it was handwritten…' the brunette trailed off, blushing furiously.

'Oh… that…just an old boyfriend of mine wanting to keep in touch,'

'Oh,' her roommate sighed, 'That's sweet of him,'

Serena nodded, 'Yes, yes it is.'

She dropped her head back down to resume the contemplation of her Cheerios. She may have told Carly that she'd forgotten all about that letter but it was never far from mind.

Every time she walked past her desk to get to her bed, it was there, begging her to answer it. Every time she reached for a textbook to study from, it was there pleading to be read again.

That letter was consuming her. It was the reason she was yet to type a single word of her term paper yet, because every time she sat down to work on it, the letter was there.

So now, she knew the letter, word-for-word, so well that the paper was beginning to be frayed and discoloured, and she didn't have a single idea on how to write her term paper.

'Well…I'm off,' Carly announced, grabbing her messenger bag off the floor, 'Bye S,'

The door clicked shut behind Carly and Serena sighed. Just her and her thoughts.

It had been a whole damn week since that letter arrived. Why couldn't she just throw it away and get it over with? Wouldn't it be easier?

Serena stood up, and padded into her bedroom. Her side of the room was the polar opposite of her roommates. Carly's belonging were organized meticulously, every single one of them in a similar shade of pastel blue. Serena's side was everything that screamed her. It was crazy, in varying shades of pink and green. Personal photos, of her and Blair, Nate and Chuck, were pinned everywhere: above her bed, above her desk. Serena tried her hardest to keep her side tidy for Carly's sake, but there always seemed to be a stray hoodie or two strewn on the floor.

'Ok,' she said aloud to herself, clapping her hands together, 'I'm going to finish this paper,'

She fell down onto her desk chair, pulling her hair into a messy ponytail. It _had _to be done.

Serena fiddled with her Macbook to wake it up, and opened up the file with her term paper in it. She took a deep breath, and placed her hands on the keyboard.

No helpful words leapt to her mind, and her fingers remained stationery. Surely there had to be _something _she could write. Anything!

_"I saw him yesterday and he reminded me of so much and I just had to talk to you…"_

Serena wrinkled her nose. Not the words she was looking for.

_"I honestly don't know what to expect from this letter. I certainly don't expect a reply…"_

Good. Because she wasn't going to reply.

_"But I hope you do. I know there's a lot between us, but I still wonder what you're up to."_

'That's it,'

Serena reefed a pen from the cup beside her computer. She grappled for a sheet of pink paper out of one of her notebooks. This had to stop.

_Dear Dan_

That was a good start. Casual…

_I know you said you weren't expecting a reply to your letter and I sure wasn't intending to reply to it. But… I have to get my term paper finished and your letter hanging around my desk isn't helping one bit!_

_So, I'm going to get this off my mind once and for all._

_Your letter came as a surprise last week. It seems like such a long time since I've heard from you. Here at Brown, we may be well and truly tuned into Gossip Girl, but Dartmouth seems to far away to receive rumours from._

_Life has been pretty boring for once. I can't say that's a bad thing though. I like being away from the crazy bustle of the city._

_So how about you? How has life treated you since graduation?_

_I'd be lying if I say that I haven't thought about you at all but… I always assumed I wouldn't have to deal with my questions until the ten-year reunion of something._

_I... I think I'd like it if you wrote again. It would be nice to hear from you; after all, we were good friends, no matter what happened between us._

Serena paused. How did she sign this off?

_Regards, Serena_

There. It was done. She could move on now. She folded the page up neatly, and reached for an envelope in the box under her desk. Carefully, she slid the paper into the pastel pink envelope.

She didn't have his address. He didn't leave an address for her to reply at. Did he _really _not expect a reply at all?

She sealed the pink envelope, and grabbed a slightly larger envelope from the box. At this moment she was thankful that her mother was obsessive compulsive and ensured that Serena owned an entire stationery store's worth of stuff before she left for college.

She printed her brother's address onto the front of the larger envelope, underneath writing. _Could you please give this to Dan?_

She knew her brother well enough to know that he wouldn't judge. Maybe he'd raise his eyebrows, but he wouldn't turn around and tell their mother. She could trust him.

Sealing the final envelope she jumped up, grabbing a Juicy Couture hoodie of the floor. This wouldn't end until it was gone.

Serena sprinted out of their dorm, and out into the sunlight. She didn't stop until she reached the post box. Unceremoniously, she stuffed it into the box, and sighed. There. Out of sight, out of mind.

She strolled, slower this time, back to the dorm. Maybe she could finally get that paper done.

_Dear Serena,_

_You have no idea how shocked I am to hear from you. But not in a bad way. I almost didn't believe it when Eric cornered me after class on Thursday. He said that you'd written me a letter but didn't have my address so you'd sent it to him. All these assignments must have gone to my head because I can't even remember to write an address on my letters anymore._

_I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I agree about the city. I miss it like crazy sometimes, even though, Boston is certainly no country town (unlike Hanover it seems) but it has nothing on Manhattan. But it is nice to be away from the crazies in the street, and everything._

_At the moment I'm living in a dorm with two other guys. They're both business majors so they keep to themselves for most of the time, both scared by the "crazy writer dude who drinks too much coffee" (That's their words not mine)_

_What about you? Are you living in some full-contained apartment just off the campus with a butler and chef?_

_I'm sorry that sounded rude. That _was _rude. I'm so sorry. It's just…let me rephrase that. Where are you living at the moment?_

_I'm an English lit major, like I'd always planned to be. How about you?_

_I was thinking the other day about that trip to Africa you always intended to take, to work in an orphanage. Did you ever get a chance to go? _

_Anyway, my roommate's are home, and they'll think I'm up to something suspicious if they catch me writing. (We wouldn't want literate people in the world)_

_I hope to hear from you soon,_

_Dan_

Serena almost hadn't been surprised when she woke up the following Saturday morning to find a flimsy envelope slid beneath her steaming coffee mug. She smiled gratefully at Carly, and picked both up. As she sipped her coffee, she ripped the envelope open with anticipation. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, even herself, but she'd been looking forward to receiving that letter for a while now.

And he hadn't let her down. This time, however, she didn't both to hesitate replying instantly. She wouldn't get anything done if she didn't.

_Dear Dan,_

_Sounds like you're enjoying college!_

_Believe it not, Serena Van Der Woodsen is living in a dorm (much to my mother's disgust) with a roommate. I have Carly, a very sweet, down-to-earth education major who keeps very much to herself. She's the exact opposite of me and I think, though she'd never say it, that it drives her crazy sometimes._

_Unfortunately I think you may have been right about the chef. I _definitely _need one. All those years of being brought up so spoiled the only thing I can cook is Mac and Cheese and that's only when it's the just add water kind._

_But, around here there are definitely not butlers, just Carly and me for the most part. You'd be proud Dan; I've refrained from going to _too _many parties. I've been very good._

_I'm a Human Resources major. Excitement plus huh? It's not as bad as it could be but it's certainly not the most thrilling material I've ever covered! As for the African trip, it's always been something I've never had enough time for. One day. One day._

_Oh, by the way, thanks for including your address this time! I don't think Eric would have been overly happy being our messenger for the rest of his college years!_

_I have to go, I have a class that starts in half an hour, just enough time for me to get across campus and post the letter beforehand._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Serena._

* * *

'Serena, can you at least attempt to smile at all?' Lily scolded as she came up behind her daughter. Discreetly she hissed at her, offering her a condescending smile that hid her displeasure to the other guests.

'Sorry Mom,' Serena replied mechanically. She couldn't keep still she was itching to get back home to her dorm.

'Merry Christmas S,'

Blair swanned up to her, festive from head to toe, in a tight fitting crimson silk gown. Marcus trailed behind her, led by her hand visor-gripped onto his.

'Merry Christmas B,' Serena echoed. She offered Marcus a half smile and allowed herself to kiss his cheek.

Blair launched into a conversation, speaking slow to allow Serena to admire the faint British accent tainting her words. She waved her hands around for what may have been emphasis. Serena knew better and knew that she just wanted to show off the large, flashy, vintage diamond on her left hand.

'So how have you been S? I've been missing all your calls!' Blair finally exclaimed, turning the conversation back onto her.

'Oh…you know…busy. Midterms and papers and…everything,' she laughed vaguely.

'Oxford is amazing S. You should come over once in a while, you'd fall in love,'

Serena nodded, plastering a smile on her face, as Blair launched back into another speech. She loved her best friend but she was slowly taking on more and more of the Lady of the House persona. It was probably better she lived in England.

Serena shifted around in her dress uncomfortably. She wanted to go back to her dorm. Now! She'd kill not to have to be here at her mother's apartment in Manhattan.

'Can we blow this joint already?'

Serena smiled when her brother's voice filled her ears.

'Eric!' she squealed, hugging him tightly, 'I've missed you!'

Blair's voice was drowned out as Serena focused her full attention on her brother.

'I can't wait to get home!' she laughed, 'Sounds like you can't either,'

'This isn't who I am anymore! I did this all through my life, but…at Dartmouth there's none of this. I haven't worn a tie in _months,_'

Serena laughed again and squeezed him, 'You should come up and visit me sometime before Easter. Will you have time?'

'Yeah, sure, but…you sure you don't want to come down to me and catch up with…Dan?'

As soon as she said his name another anxious thrill ran through her body, 'Don't say that! I'm already desperate enough to get home!'

'But come on, you'd enjoy it.'

'Nah…I don't think so. Dan and I are _barely _friends.'

'That's not what I heard,'

Serena rolled her eyes but before she could rebut her mother got a hold of a microphone, 'Please, all guests, take a seat,'

The night seemed to drag on for Serena. All she could think about was what would be waiting for her when she finally got home. It was there, waiting for her, and instead she was here in an uncomfortable dress, eating well-prepared wholesome food, when she would rather be sitting in front of her TV eating Mac and Cheese.

The guests slowly dissipated, and she was forced to kiss cheek after cheek.

'My mouth hurts,' she whined as she and Eric grabbed their coats in the hall.

'Serena, stop complaining,' her mother scolded, 'It was wonderful to have you both home. I'm glad college has given you some personality.'

'I love you mom,' they both chorused dutifully, as she helped them into their coats.

'I'll see you in a weeks time?' her mother asked as she straightened the lapels on Serena's coat.

'Yeah, I promised I'd be home for New Year's,' she nodded.

As soon as they were out the door, Serena and Eric exchanged glances. Freedom at last. Serena jumped into the first cab that Eric hailed for her and was on her way back home.

The second the cab was at the campus, Serena threw herself out the door. She'd been waiting so long for this.

Her heels clacked against the pavement as she sprinted up the concrete stairs. She was so close.

Her key scraped painfully in the lock, jimmying it until the door swung open. Thank god. She was home.

'Hi S,' Carly greeted, glancing up from her contemplation of her turkey sandwich, 'There's some mail for you,'

'Thank god…I mean…thank you,' she smiled.

A package swathed sloppily in silver duct tape lay on their kitchen table. Serena's heart leapt and she snatched it up, sprinting into her bedroom without another word.

Her cream Chanel coat crumpled the wood floor, and the black Louboutin clacked against her bed noisily. She curled up onto her bed, her dress pooling around her ankles.

She almost broke a nail, trying to rip through the duct tape until she succumbed and reached for the scissors at the desk.

Finally she broke into the package and out fell a bottle of Bisquick, a can of Spam, and a box of candy canes with a post-it attached that said, _So you'll be eating a little more than Mac and Cheese over the holidays._

Serena giggled, hugging the package to her chest. She rooted through the bubble wrap until her fingers connected with a beige, marble patterned envelope. She prised open the navy sticker, and a piece of heavy, cardstock unfurled.

_Dear Serena,_

_Happy Holidays! Thank you for the gift but my old envelopes are very put out by this new set! I hope you enjoy the food and I think Carly will appreciate the reprieve from cooking you dinner every night. I assume you're spending Christmas with Lily. Eric mentioned he was heading back to the city for the holidays. Did you enjoy that? He didn't seem to be thrilled to be back in Manhattan._

Serena giggled, he knew her far too well.

_I am staying here for the holidays with Lindsay. Vanessa's coming down to us as well. Jen said something about catching up with Eric before she went back to Yale._

_I'm up to my neck in assignments; I seriously can't wait until spring break already! _

_There's something about these holidays that seems empty. Being so far from home and having Dad touring the country it just doesn't feel like holidays._

_Your letters have made this winter so much easier though. I honestly don't think I could have survived as well as I did without you._

_Please, just ignore that paragraph. I've had too much eggnog and I think Lindsay added more rum to it. I think I'll lay off it for now._

_I hope to hear from you soon,_

_Dan_

* * *

'What exactly are we shopping for?' Blair asked dryly as Serena led her around Manhattan.

'It has to be perfect,' Serena whined, 'I can't have it…substandard,'

'It's a pen. God, do we really need to spend all day looking for one?'

'This is a graduation present for a friend. A good friend. It has to be perfect,'

'Anyone I know?'

Serena looked away, 'No. I doubt you would,'

She had been friends again with Dan for a year and a half now and she still hadn't gained enough trust to tell Blair. She wouldn't approve.

'Just…don't worry. I just want to find a nice pen,'

'Well…can we hurry up, I have to meet Marcus in half an hour,'

Serena turned around and sighed in contempt, 'Look. Blair, don't worry about it. Go find Marcus, I'm going to grab a coffee at Starbucks, and then I'll keep searching,'

She began to stalk away and Blair sighed, 'S…'

'No. Seriously, just…go find Marcus, Lady B.'

* * *

_Dear Dan, _

_Congratulations! We finally made it! I bet this day is what you have been waiting for, for years now. You finally get the mortarboard and tassel…it's our big day._

_I'm sure you have lots of partying to do, to say goodbye to your buddies, so I'll just keep this brief. Under no circumstances lose contact, I won't tolerate it. _

_I'm taking the trip to Africa, like I always said I would. I've made the time and I'm going for six weeks. I'll write to you as soon as I have come home again._

_I'm so excited Dan. I have been offered a job for when I come back. It's in Manhattan but I think I always knew I'd wind up living there no matter how hard I tried to escape it._

_I'm moving onto Fifth Avenue, which pleases my mother immensely. It's definitely a step up from the dorms Carls and I have been living in together!_

_Enjoy the pen. I spent all of the weekend searching for the perfect one. A famous writer will need a favourite pen! I hope it's this one._

_All my love,_

_Serena_

Two weeks later she was boarding a plane to Tanzania. She had slung a Le Sportsac carry-on over one shoulder, and tucked under her other arm was a soft, plush, teddy bear, wearing a black cap and gown, holding a small diploma rolled up in his hands.

She settled into her seat on the plane, and squeezed the teddy tightly.

'Good luck,' he echoed, in the most familiar voice that sent shivers up Serena's spine. She sighed, holding him close to her chest.

* * *

_Dear Serena,_

_I'm so glad to hear you came back in one piece. I'm also pleased that they still let you in the country after you attempted to stuff all hundred orphans into your suitcase._

_Are you settled into your new home yet? Fifth avenue huh?_

_I got offered a job in Chicago, for the Chicago Sun, writing a sport column. Can you imagine? I barely have enough patriotism to support the Yankees let alone follow sport for a living! But, it's a job right?_

_So I'm moving to Chicago in three weeks and I've included my new address this time!_

_When do you start your new job? It sounds like a great job you've gotten yourself; the company will be lucky to have you._

_I broke up with Lindsay while you were gone. It just wasn't…going where I wanted it to go. Besides she's moving to Canada and…it would just be too hard._

_I have lots of packing ahead of me. If I don't surface in a week call for a search party!_

_Lots of love,_

_Dan_

* * *

'Hey boy, come here!' she crowed softly, 'Come here,'

The little ball of fur cocked it's head at her and Serena melted, 'You're _so _cute. I have to have you,'

She scooped up the ball of chocolate fur and held it against her chest. She looked back up at the owner and smiled, 'I'll take him,'

The puppy adjusted into Serena's new life and apartment very fast. Serena found herself falling more and more in love with the tiny dog every single day.

'Where are you kiddo?' Serena questioned as she let herself into the apartment that night. She shook her feet out of her heels, and padded barefoot through her apartment.

The ringing silence met her ears and she grinned, 'Ok. We're playing are we? Well I'm just gonna wait here until you wanna come out!'

Serena walked over to the beige lounge and curled up in it. One. Two. Three. Four…

'WOOF!'

Serena giggled, glancing down towards the ground. Her tiny ball of fur called her to attention as she bounded into the room.

'You found me!' she laughed. He jumped up, putting her paws on her knees. His big dark eyes stared at her lovingly, with an intelligence that always shocked her to the core. He reminded her of someone…

'I think I just found you a name,' she grinned, rubbing his ears.

She had to tell Dan all about this.

_Dear Dan,_

_Guess what? I'm in love! When I moved back to Manhattan, I found my apartment far to empty. My choices were to go to Pottery Barn and buy more useless junk to fill the space or…I could buy a dog._

_So, I bought Dan, my three-month-old chocolate Lab. He is the most amazing dog ever, I love him. When it comes to friends, you'd be in direct competition with him Dan! But don't feel to jealous._

_My job is going ok. But…everyone who works with me, remembers, or still reads Gossip Girl. I…I don't understand. I thought, after high school, after college, that it would all end. I thought that once I grew up I'd be left alone; I'd just be another person._

_But it seems I can't escape. Everyone knows _everything _about my life. _

_Sometimes I wonder if you were right about me, about my world. Almost everyday I wish it never happened to me. _

_That sounds so horrible! I'm a horrible person, because I have so much and yet…_

_Sometimes I wonder if it might have been easier if hadn't been born a Van Der Woodsen._

_I can't believe I'm saying all these things. I should be grateful for what I have been given but…_

_I have to stop now. I'm getting further and further into something I don't like. _

_Please, if you don't write back I'll understand. I'm a horrible person._

_Guiltily written,_

_Serena_

* * *

'Oh my god. It's her.'

'No freaking way.'

'It _so _is,'

Serena walked through Central Park, stalked by three particularly teenage, female voices. She just wanted to go home. Who the hell were they?

She stopped and turned around. Three girls, wearing more designer diamonds than Serena ever remembered seeing on a human under the age of eighty before, were standing right behind her.

Each of them were dressed in clothes that their daddy's probably bought right of the runway and the Prada bags at their shoulders and Blahnik heels on their feet probably would have covered for the down payment on Dan's new apartment. The fluoro stocking covering their legs made Serena's eyes water and they each held matching cell phones which they pulled out to snap a photo of her at the same time.

'Woah…' Serena stumbled, staring at the girls, 'Can I help you?'

'You're Serena Van Der Woodsen right?' the boldest girl asked, 'The old it-girl?'

Serena probably would have been offended by the _old _bit had she had enough time to pull her thoughts together, 'Yeah that's me,'

'Well…I'm Divad, the new it-girl…'

'Uh—huh…' Serena said slowly.

'Remember the name sweetheart. I just wanted you to know, that there is no way I'm turning out like you,' Divad said, eyeing Serena up and down.

Serena looked down at herself. True Religion jeans, Louboutin heels and a Dior top. She certainly wasn't shabby.

'L-like me?'

'You know, turn your back on our world, live in…' she wrinkled her nose, 'Dorms and then go to Africa to help all those…ew. I used to idolize you. Why couldn't you have been a better role model like Blair?'

'Blair?'

The last Serena had heard of Blair was a baby shower invitation that she got two weeks too late because she was in Africa.

Was this girl seriously suggesting that settling down and becoming royalty just to pop out babies would have been a better path for her to take?

'It's part of our world Serena,' the girl said condescendingly.

'Look…I don't know who you are and I don't really care,' Serena started, 'But…you need to realize that there is more to this life than Gossip Girl and fabulous parties. There is _so _much more,'

'What would you know,' the girl turned her nose up at Serena.

With that, the three stalked away from Serena, leaving her absolutely stunned.

_Dear Dan,_

_I feel like I've taken a step back in time. Today, I think I met my younger self in the park. I was walking home from work, because the weather is amazing at the moment and…I heard these three little voices behind me. I turned around, and they were all wearing designers and they were so…snooty. I couldn't believe it._

_They called me the "old it-girl". I met with the new Queen B, who has apparently been reincarnated in the form of a 5 ft, blue eyed, black haired, half-Japanese beauty._

_Was I really that bad? I can't believe that some part have me may have been that girl! It horrifies me to think that!_

_If that truly was me, then I don't blame you for breaking up with me. Hell, I'm surprised my mother didn't kick me out! They were horrible!_

_I'm going to disappear and lick my wounds now, I'm deeply horrified._

_Running from my inner child,_

_Serena_

* * *

'Serena, are you home?'

'WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!'

'Dan! Down!" Serena croaked, struggling to get up 'Come in Nick,'

The dog quieted, as the door opened. Her handsome, lovable boyfriend stood leaning in the doorframe, grinning at her.

'Hey babe,'

He wandered over to her, in her chair, and pressed a kiss into her hair.

'I grabbed your mail for you. I figured you probably hadn't left the apartment at all,'

He circled her, pulling the blanket over her shoulders, 'Stay warm. You'll get better faster,'

'Not…sick…' she croaked.

'Are. Sick,' he mocked, 'I'll go make you some tea,'

He deposited the mail into her lap, and disappeared into the kitchen.

Serena looked down to find a plain white envelope with the Chicago Sun printed on it. She grinned, and ripped it open.

Only he could make her feel this way when she's running a temp of 110 and aching from every extremity.

She stopped; shocked that she'd just had that thought. She had a wonderful man making her tea in her kitchen, and she didn't think that way about him. What was wrong with her?

_Dear Serena,_

_It's so bad to hear that you have a flu! I think almost everyone has it around the office at the moment too!_

_How's Dan doing? Must take care of all namesakes, no matter how many legs they have!_

_I wish I could be there for you. I know that we haven't seen another face to face since graduation, which was…what, 7 years ago? But, still I class you as one of my best friends and I wish I could be there to help you feel better._

_Do you ever wonder what it would be like? What if we had never broken up? Would we be living together in Manhattan? Would I share that fancy Fifth Avenue apartment, be working at the Times…would I have ever learnt to adjust to the life you lead? _

_Sometimes I find myself thinking, how that, if I'd never broken up with you, if I'd pushed you a little harder, and we'd talked until we solved everything that maybe we'd both be extraordinarily happy together._

_But, instead, you're in Manhattan, and I'm here in Chicago with Paige. _

_I know what I said doesn't change anything but…sometimes I still wonder._

_I'm sorry if this is…a little out of the blue._

_Dan_

Serena folded up the letter. How did she reply to that? She knew; that maybe at the age of 17, if she'd tried a little harder, right now she could be engaged to the first man she really loved. They'd probably be so happy, and she knew that.

But…she was with Nick now, and she had been for a year. He had Paige, his tiny, doe-eyed girlfriend of six months and he said he was happy. It was better this way.

When the next letter came, it was four weeks later. The paper was battered, and the handwriting was very sloppy.

_Serena,_

_I…know I shouldn't be writing to you_

_But I have to tell you this. Serena I think I still love you._

Serena wanted to stop reading. Nick was in the next room, getting ready and she really needed to stop reading this.

_There. I said it. I still love you. That's crazy right? Cos, it's been seven years and…I should be over you. But I'm not. I still think about you all the time, even when Paige is around. That's so wrong isn't it?_

_I still miss you, and I want you back all the time._

_I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so drunk right now…I'm going to London with Paige for six months and I don't think I wanna be there either._

_I'm so fucked up right now. I don't know what I want anymore! I want you._

_I love you Serena._

_But nothing's ever going to change. I'm going to propose to Paige because my whole family loves her. You're part of your world and that's _never_ gonna change. _

_Dan_

The next week when Nick got down on one knee, and produced a Tiffany's diamond Serena's heart twinged. Something didn't feel right, with Dan's crumpled, drunken letter still sitting in between the pages of her novel at home. But he was proposing to Paige. They were moving on at last.

As she found the one, three-letter word she needed, tears slipped from beneath her eyelids. She let Nick think that she was overjoyed and so thrilled that she was finally going to be his wife.

* * *

They only ever exchanged one more piece of mail. It was six months later, six months of total silence from both of them.

She ripped out the page of the bridal section in the Times, covering her wedding. She folded it carefully and slid it into an envelope, inside her wedding invitation.

_Dear Daniel Humphrey,_

_Serena Francis Van Der Woodsen Bass _

_And_

_Nicholas Jacob Basin _

_Cordially invite you to their wedding_

Six weeks later, she received from an envelope Nick's maid, as she flipped through bridal magazines. It was plain, white and cheap and it brought back a sudden surge of memories. She tipped it upside down and one tiny newspaper clipping fell from it.

_**Announcement of Engagement**_

_Daniel Lucas Humphrey_

_And _

_Paige Elizabeth Hardy _

_Would like to announce the joyful joining of their two families_

Serena stared at it, nodding. This was how it was supposed to be. On the back, in a familiar scrawl, it had:

_Congratulations_

She closed her magazines suddenly overwhelmed. She excused herself politely and locked herself in the bathroom until she was certain she could face the world again.

* * *

It was the last time she ever heard from him.

She understood it, and she certainly respected it. When the school reunion came around she never went and according the Blair neither did Dan.

For many years after she'd said I do she wondered if she'd done the right thing.

If _they'd _done the right thing.

But at the age of 17 they couldn't work it out and things only seemed to get messier as she got older. They wouldn't have had a hope.

It was better this way.

* * *


End file.
